Douglas: Welcome to the Unleash Your Potential Blog, what question can I answer for you today?
JourneyJolt: How can I build more meaningful relationships?
Douglas: Fulfilling relationships with people who build us up is at the core of a successful life. Human beings are social animals and we thrive more when we are in a community with others. If you are engaged in any type of self-improvement work, the strength and quality of your relationships should be at the center of the work.
The most important thing you can do to build more meaningful relationships is to get to know and love yourself. To be fully present with others, you must be fully present and accepting of yourself. Take the time to look within and get to know who you are. I have written on a variety of topics to guide you in doing this work and their importance cannot be understated here. You cannot give fully in a relationship if you have not developed a healthy relationship with yourself.
The second most important part of building meaningful relationships is considering the people you surround yourself with. The people you develop relationships with will impact how your life progresses. A plant only grows in healthy soil. If you are spending quality time with people who are negative and don’t encourage you, then you will not grow as a person, and when you don’t grow you stagnate. When you stagnate you start to develop a negative outlook and eventually this will negatively impact your relationships. It can become a downward spiral. The goal should be to surround yourself with people who build you up and challenge you to be the best version of yourself.
I am not saying you can’t be that light for someone else, but if you pour yourself too much into someone who is not themselves trying to grow then eventually the relationship will become toxic to you. It is important to monitor those relationships and know when it is time to cut the cord for your well-being.
Once you do the self-work and surround yourself with people who build you up, here are some suggestions for how to maintain those relationships:
Set and Respect Boundaries – In a healthy relationship, there are boundaries. These will be different in each relationship, but they will be present and they will be honored, by both of you. If one person in the relationship doesn’t honor boundaries then eventually the other person will begin to feel resentful and this will poison the relationship. Be mindful to see if you start to be the one who is respecting boundaries. And if the other person isn’t don’t hesitate to gently remind someone else of your boundaries.
Start with Honesty – Every strong relationship is built on honesty. While it is not a guarantee, eventually we all get caught in our moments of dishonesty. When that happens, it damages the relationship. Always choose to be honest, especially when it is difficult. It may hurt in the short term, but in the long run, if the other person knows you are always honest with them, they will respect you and it will make for a much healthier relationship.
Put in the Work – All relationships that matter take effort. Whether it is a note, an email, a text, a phone call, or a personal visit, you cannot expect to have a healthy relationship if you aren’t engaged in that relationship. Going back to the plant and soil metaphor, if you don’t water a plant, it will inevitably wither and die. So it is with relationships, if you don’t put in the work, eventually you will grow distant and the relationship will weaken, This is true of social, familial, and work relationships. They require different kinds of work, but you have to be willing to figure out what work is needed and then commit to doing it to maintain the relationship. Otherwise, you commit to that relationship suffering.
Let Go of Control – While you have to do the work to maintain a healthy relationship, you are not meant to control that relationship. You have to do the work that you need to do, but not tell the other person what they have to do. Just like few people thrive in a work environment where they are micro-managed, few people thrive in any relationship that is micro-managed. Do your relationship work and let the other person do theirs. If you find the other person is not willing to do their relationship work, the answer is not to do it for them. The answer lies with an old Kenny Roers song, “You’ve got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, and know when to run!”
As with many of the topics I write about there is much more that I could write, but I offer this as a place to start. If you take nothing away from this blog today, then remember this, you need to work on your relationship with yourself first and foremost. The health of all other relationships depends on it.
I hope my answer sheds some light on your question. If you want to dig into this concept further, I encourage you to reach out and set up a conversation. In the meantime, check back tomorrow for the next question in the Unleash Your Potential Series!
Be Well!
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