Douglas: Welcome to the Unleash Your Potential Blog, what question can I answer for you today?
AspireArchitect: How do I set boundaries and say no effectively?
Douglas: As someone who tends to default to being a people-pleaser, this question really resonated with me. Thank you for asking. The challenge with not setting boundaries and being unable to say ‘no’ to people is that we end up over-committed and the projects that matter fall by the wayside. Inevitably, we feel as though we are unable to use effective time management and we feel unable to achieve our goals. This idea of boundaries speaks to so many other topics I have talked about on this blog.
Why do we have trouble setting boundaries? I think this can stem from multiple places, but I think the biggest culprit is fear of one kind or another. And let's be real, fear is a huge motivator. Sometimes we fail to set boundaries and don’t say no because we are afraid of letting someone down. We fear that someone’s opinion of us will diminish if we don’t do this one thing for them. I would counter with the question, if their opinion of you is based on what you do for them, is the relationship healthy (this is a topic for another blog and certainly dips far more into the therapist's world than I am comfortable with)? Being able to set boundaries and saying no, is in part about recognizing that whether or not you do something for someone should not have any bearing on the status of your relationship with them.
Sometimes, it isn’t the fear of letting someone else down that is the problem. Sometimes, the fear is letting ourselves down, and this can be far more powerful. We don’t want to be seen as not being able to do something. We develop this belief that if we can’t do everything, we are somehow “less than.” We base our self-worth on what we can do for others. Here is the reality, we can’t do everything. I give you permission to admit you are not able to do everything for everybody. Nobody can do everything for everybody. We need to give ourselves grace and acknowledge that truth. And if we can’t do everything for everybody, then we have to pick and choose the areas where can be most effective. Here is another truth to remember, we are not REQUIRED to do everything for everybody.
What then do we do about setting boundaries? People are going to ask us to do things. Bosses, colleagues, friends, family, and strangers are all going to ask things of us. Generally speaking, I don’t think they do it out of malice, but because they need help. That is okay. People in general should be encouraged to ask for assistance when they need it. So many other problems can arise when folks think they cannot ask for help.
I think there are two critical questions you need to evaluate whenever someone asks you to do something, regardless of what is or who is asking.
Do you have the capacity to do what they are asking (time, ability, resources, etc.)?
Sub question, if you don’t have the capacity, but could by restructuring other commitments, do you want to short-change other pre-existing commitments and are you prepared for the consequences of the re-structuring?
Do you have the desire to do what they are asking (do you want to do it, do it align with your beliefs/morals, etc.)?
If the answer to these questions is honestly yes, then you can commit to the project and it shouldn’t be a problem (so long as you have been honest and realistic about your answer to the questions).
However, if your answer to either question is no, you need to give serious thought to whether or not you should be saying yes to the request. Concerning question one, the reality is that none of us has unlimited time and resources. If what is being asked of you is being your resources you either have to restructure your resources (and yes time is a resource) to accommodate the ask or acknowledge your limitations. If you say yes, even though you know the answer is no to question one, you are going to stretch your resources and eventually, you will likely start to feel stress about agreeing to the request which can lead to a whole host of negative emotions you may or may not want to deal with.
On the other hand, if you have the resources, you may not want to do the thing you are being asked to do. You need to honor the fact that there are things you don’t want to do. Question two is about honoring yourself and your needs. If the answer to question two is no and you do it anyway, you may start to resent the other person, which can create its own set of problems. If the thing you do is against your beliefs/morals, you may start to develop negative feelings about yourself.
Setting boundaries, at the end of the day, is about respecting yourself. You have to acknowledge your limitations and then firmly communicate them to others. I offer this example to illustrate my point.
For years, (30+ in fact), I went by Doug. Everyone who knew me (friends, colleagues, etc.) called me by the shortened version of my given name (Douglas). Somewhere in my mid-thirties, I decided that I wanted to go by Douglas. This was mostly for professional reasons, but I also just prefer being called Douglas. For the next 10 years, some people did call me Douglas, but many didn’t. I didn’t correct them. After all, I was worried about what they thought about me because I was correcting them about my name. I wasn’t willing to enforce the boundary. Then when folks did call me Doug, I would stew about it. They were unaffected, but it always grated on my nerves and caused me stress. Recently, I have started to correct folks and enforce that boundary. As a result, I feel better after interactions because I am honoring a boundary that is important to me.
Boundaries are important to all healthy relationships (work, friends, intimate, all of them). You need to be honest about yourself and firm in maintaining them. If you have not been enforcing boundaries, some folks may bristle a little bit when you start enforcing them, but in time they will come to respect them. And if they don’t, then perhaps you need to reevaluate the value of the relationship…
I hope my answer sheds some light on your question. If you want to dig into this concept further, I encourage you to reach out and set up a conversation. In the meantime, check back tomorrow for the next question in the Unleash Your Potential Series!
Be Well!
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